Is He A Knight, King Or Emperor?
Updated: 6 hours ago
If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant or weak, return to yourself, to who you are, here and now and when you get there, you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong. ☥ ☥ Masaru Emoto ☥
This post is not gender specific, and it's not just for the ladies. However, the appropriate title was simply too long:
Is He/She/They ☥ Are You A Page, Knight, King/Queen/Monarch or Emperor/Empress/Sovereign?
I'm leading with the masculine in this post because I'm attempting to raise awareness around social issues that we need to change because they are detrimental to his/their personal growth ☥ development and cause exponential ripple effects that will continue to perpetuate harm until we make a series of course corrections. I was reflecting on a conversation that I had with an extremely perceptive Acupuncturist. He had become a monk for seven years and then decided to get married and have a family. I was fascinated with his experiences of living as a monk. I asked him all kinds of questions about different aspects of monkhood, but in the middle of my queries, he paused me. And then ... he leveled me:
So tell me more about what it was actually like to live as a monk. How were your days structured?
"Phyllis, stop. I became a monk because I was on a Spiritual quest. You are interested in becoming a monk because you are disappointed in men."
I was so stunned. I felt like he had stripped me naked in front of crowd of 100,000 people. How did he know? How could he tell? I didn't say anything to him about my perceptions of men or the single life. But he pegged me, and he was dead on. In fact, I had considered becoming a monk because I love the Spiritual path. I dated sporadically with years passing between intervals of dating. I felt complete within myself and my life, but my frustration with the maturity of men that I met was high. I wasn't sure that I could continue attempting to date. It didn't help that I was living in New Mexico at the time, where the percentage of Black ☥ Immigrant People were at about 3% of the population in the towns. Indigenous People, many of whom lived on Pueblo land, make up about 11% of the population. I had moved to New Mexico to isolate myself from co-dependent family issues and explore holistic health. I was so exhausted and burned out that I wasn't sure if I wanted any friends at all, let alone a boyfriend. However, after a few years, I found myself on that fence of continuing to hope to find the right man or becoming a monk.
Life would have been so much easier if I understood the difference between a Page, Knight, King and Emperor.
Confidence is a quality that many people struggle to cultivate within themselves. Somehow, our understanding of confidence got entangled with this concept of the so-called Alpha. The Alpha is a cheap imitation of what we truly aspire to be. It's no coincidence that "Alpha" is a Greek letter because the Ancient Greeks were exceptional at the art of cultural appropriation of the Kamitians (Ancient Egyptians). As an example, which names do you recognize? Auset (the Goddess of Alchemy) or isis (Greek appropriation of Auset)? Ausar (God of Transformation ☥ Our Ancestors) or osiris (Greek appropriation of Ausar)? Did you know about the West African deities Shango (God of Thunder, who carried an axe and could summon lightning) or Ogun (God of Metal ☥ Iron)? Many superheroes that we see in comics/TV/movies bear striking resemblances to the Gods ☥ Goddesses of Africa ☥ India ☥ China, yet few, if any are portrayed as Black ☥ Indigenous ☥ Immigrant People.
Even to this day, Black sororities and fraternities are represented with Greek symbols (some fraternities require that members brand their bodies with a Greek letter), unaware of the gross injustices inflicted upon their ancestors by the Ancient Greeks - yet another display of the power of social conditioning. Because the legacies of Black ☥ Indigenous ☥ Immigrant People have been unapologetically stolen and appropriated, the Emperor ☥ Empress ☥ Sovereign (EES) person is an example of an appropriate title to accurately represent the inner qualities, such as confidence, that we are truly striving for. We are all EES in potential, but we have to grow through the stages of physical ☥ mental ☥ emotional development to activate it from within - through a rite of passage ceremony ☥ via spiritual growth, often resulting from a desire to heal trauma. Indigenous People hold such vital wisdom that we often overlook. I urge you to watch the video below on the Apache rite of passage ceremony for girls.
Before colonization, our Indigenous cultures created rite of passage ceremonies for children to transition into adulthood. Though each culture handles the process differently, they all seem to include some universal strategies such as:
☥ A challenge to face fears ☥ a test of courage
☥ A test of strength ☥ endurance ☥ emotional resilience
☥ Knowledge of one's history ☥ culture ☥ legacy
☥ Knowledge of how to live in ☥ cultivate a healthy community
☥ Specific skills ☥ training needed to be a mature ☥ successful adult
Our colonizers forced us into suppressing these qualities in order to assert their power and sustain a delusion of superiority. The tragedy in this phenomenon is that if our colonizers would connect with their inner power, they would be too happy and fulfilled to need a superiority complex. So, we were stripped of our rituals ☥ language and forced to adopt their cultural norms or an integrated, watered down version of a ritual that was stolen from us. As a result, many of us do not go through any form of "test" or "training" to help us prepare for adulthood, an important root cause of our lack of maturity and difficulty with overcoming trauma. We've paid a heavy price including:
☥ A wealth of emotional ☥ mental imbalances such as narcissism, sexual perversion, etc.
☥ Difficulty in cultivating and maintaining trust in relationships
☥ Weaponizing children by intentionally getting pregnant to "trap" a mate or sabotage a
relationship, being dishonest about the child's paternity or using the child to
manipulate a mate
☥ Cultural ignorance of self ☥ others leading to self-loathing, prejudice, etc.
☥ An unwillingness to have intelligent ☥ difficult conversations
☥ Moving through life on "default mode," rarely questioning thoughts ☥ improving
behaviors
☥ Though the statistics vary, when we look at the countries that have the highest
divorce rates in the world, which includes America, we see that the top 15 countries
are primarily European or heavily colonized. The Ancient Africans who migrated to
China were ethnically cleansed. Although a few Asian countries made the top 15 in
some studies, no African countries made it into the top 25. From the time that
Europeans arrived in what we now call America, they actively promoted and legalized
rape (until 1865), sold their own children with the people they enslaved for profit and
had no respect for the sanctity of marriage between themselves or the people they
enslaved. After 1865, our colonizers found other ways to continue their behavior.
Whenever a memory resurfaces and lingers with me, I take it as a sign from Spirit that I must share the story with you. I was working with a non-profit organization who hosted a local convening for Black ☥ Indigenous community leaders, most of whom were male. During our ice breaker activity, we stood in a circle and each leader shared something about ourselves that people may not know. If what the leader said applied to someone else in the circle, that person would step into the circle and say, “Just like me!” For example, one Black male leader said that he was born in September and several of us jumped into the circle to say, “Just like me!” There was only one white woman present. When it was her turn to speak, she said “My name is _____ and I can touch my nose with my tongue.” She proceeded to stick out her tongue and demonstrate her ability. There was a nervous chuckle, along with some uncomfortable chatter that rippled throughout the circle. I made eye contact with the person standing next to her and they quickly jumped in to keep the activity from being derailed. During our break, I talked to the head of the organization to see how we would handle her inappropriate behavior, but he cautioned me that she worked for a large funder and was there to learn and potentially find projects that her organization could support with grants. He said that it was a minor infraction, so we needed to let it slide. The blatant lack of respect for Black ☥ Indigenous ☥ Immigrant People extends far beyond marriage, and we are often placed in situations where we could suffer negative consequences for speaking the truth ☥ requiring professionalism. Corruption begins with minor infractions that we let slide.
If what I am is what's in me Then I'll stay strong - that's who I'll be And I will always be the best 'Me' that I can be ... ☥ ☥ will.i.am ☥ From The Song 'What I Am'
With all of this in mind, let's take a healing journey through these vital stages of development. The stages could have many titles, but I'm using titles of royalty that are commonly understood because many of us have survived the loss of our legacies. These qualities are not gender specific, but I've included the masculine ☥ feminine ☥ gender non-conforming titles to help us connect with the archetypes. The purpose of this blog is not to incite judgment of self ☥ others, but to promote compassion ☥ understanding ☥ self-awareness/correction ☥ elevation of consciousness. As we explore the stages of development, let's remember that the ages are a guide. They are not definitive. We must all grow through each stage and take the time to look within ourselves to see where we may need additional healing.
☥ 0 ~ 14 years old = The Page. The Page is innocent and open. He/She/They has
infinite potential but doesn't understand how the world works and, without the proper guidance, can easily be manipulated. If left unresolved, trauma occurring at this stage
of life can alter the Page's trajectory and can cause emotional suppression for both
acceptance and as a coping mechanism because they don't know how to heal. In
order to graduate to the Knight stage, the Page must:
☥ Become aware of ☥ learn appropriate behavior for/not be ashamed of or suppress
the 13 natural urges (the urge to sleep, eat, drink water, cry, sneeze, yawn, urinate,
defecate, flatulate, ejaculate/orgasm, belch, breathe).
☥ Become aware of quirks ☥ behaviors that make them "different" from others. Explore
☥ embrace these differences. These are the emerging clues ☥ signs ☥ evidence of a
person's unique gifts ☥ talents.
Body image and self-consciousness develops during the Page stage. Females are particularly sensitive to other people's perception of them, making this an excellent time to teach them how to tap into their inner voice ☥ power. What if we helped them to understand that their body will go through a number of changes in a way that was fun ☥ exciting ☥ empowering instead of riddled with fear of the unknown and judgment?
Understanding The Process Of Healing
☥ Come to a basic understanding of the process of healing which includes:
☥ Initial shock, pain and sting of the trauma
☥ Acceptance, acute action to, for example, stop bleeding/prevent secondary
injuries, demystify ☥ heal emotions, etc.
☥ The experiencing ☥ processing of pain; pain as an indication that healing is
occurring; learn how to say out loud how you feel (i.e. use a tool such as an
emotions wheel, etc.)
☥ Application of the remedy (i.e. bandage, ice pack, breathing exercise, etc.)
☥ Ongoing therapy to facilitate healing (i.e. journaling, art therapy, counseling,
Qigong, etc.)
☥ When pain/trauma occurs, accept it as a temporary occurrence that requires
healing and implement the process of healing as a first response
It is vitally important that children understand (through self-awareness, practice, consistent reminders, etc.) that we sometimes feel pain in our body, mind or heart. Remember, children lack life experience so we must explicitly explain what a pain in our heart is and assure them that, after some time, it will pass. We can then focus their attention on the process of healing as the tool that helps them to move through the experience. If children understood this on a very basic level, they would learn to focus on the remedy instead of developing an unhealthy habit of fearing pain. The process of healing takes the drama out of the trauma and guides children through inspired actions that help them to transcend pain, gain wisdom, normalize ☥ develop a habit of seeking solutions ☥ cultivate confidence. This is especially important for male children. Imagine being blindfolded, spun around until you're dizzy and thrown in a dark room. You're told that there is a way out and you must find it on your own. This is what it is like for males to figure out emotional expression. Because of a number of factors, including the combination of testosterone, estrogen and other hormones, males don't as easily understand the reasons behind or the source of the strong sensations that occur within them - nor do they initially connect the feelings to what we call emotions (this connection is usually innate for the females ☥ gender non-conforming, but we have to be intentional about helping males to make this connection ☥ understand that these "feelings" are normal during the Page stage). They may have a strong feeling that they are unable to pinpoint or define which makes healthy emotional expression extremely difficult (and terrifying as a young child) without a roadmap. It's sort of like feeling something moving inside you without knowing if it is a part of you or a foreign invader. Imagine how overwhelming that must feel to a child. I've heard parents complain that boys are too sensitive, because they don't realize what their son is going through (often because the parents are also Pages/Knights who had parents who were Pages/Knights). When he cries, we immediately shame and shut him down. This forces young males to adapt quickly by suppressing their fears and causes them to act out in other ways.
We socialize males to stuff what they are feeling, tell them that 'big boys don't cry' and they should 'man up' without training or an understanding of what it is/takes to be a man. In the holistic world, we consider this to be a severe form of emotional child abuse. If there is no rite of passage or tools to facilitate spiritual growth for a male, no understanding of manhood ☥ emotions and no way to connect with or express the self, how do we expect them to heal?
In order for the Page to process emotions they must (these lessons also need to be integrated into their "rite of passage" training):
☥ Learn how to express out loud how they are feeling inside. This includes cultivating the
courage to speak their personal truth even if/in the midst of a hostile environment.
☥ Learn that people will not always want to hear what they say, but they still need to
speak their truth, even it is means writing a letter that is never delivered.
☥ Learn how to put a name to what they are feeling and learn healthy outlets for
frustration and anger such as breathing exercises, Qigong, Yoga, Martial Arts, jogging,
boxing, sketching and going for a hike in nature to “walk it out.”
☥ An understanding of what temptation is, how it feels inside, the ways that it plays with
our mind and the costs of succumbing to it. At the same time we need to teach the
Page practices like Qigong and Yoga to help them learn how to recognize and gain
control of physical sensations within their body, strategies for resisting temptation and
instant gratification (helps to prevent physical and psychological manipulation).
We often put the Page in situations that force them to be manipulative in order to get what they want. Now is the time to recognize that their behavior is a reflection of a dynamic that we set up so that we can make the correction within ourselves.
This is a great time to teach the wisdom of waiting, perhaps by planting seeds in a
garden or having them eat food before it is ready so that they have an understanding
of the time it takes to create or achieve something.
It is during the Page stage that a child discovers their gender identity or that they are gender non-conforming. It is absolutely essential that we support children through this process with love ☥ acceptance of who they are exactly as they are. Children are not here to fulfill our parental fantasies. Parents who infect their children with fantasies of who they want their children to be, are codependent or who live out their lives through their children are often driven by unresolved trauma. They may have been teenaged parents who got stuck in and live out their lives as Pages. It took me many years to recover from being an adult child. Those of us who do not recover will perpetuate generational harm by remaining stuck (getting married, having children, etc.) in the Page stage. Our job as parents is to acknowledge ☥ heal our trauma so that we can help children to realize their potential and support their growth process.
My self-care journey ☥ many years of working very closely with men and boys helped me to crack these codes, which opened up a deep sense of compassion from within me. It also helped me to make sense of my own pain in relationships and drives me to do all I can to help us reach a higher level of understanding so that we can self-correct ASAP.
While them lyin' archetypes is chasing cat, I'm tryin' to Sphinx her ... ☥ ☥ Sa-Roc ☥ From The Song 'Forever'
☥ 15 ~ 25 years old = The Knight. When I was in high school, I was so frustrated with boys that I decided I wouldn't date until I got to college. I was expecting a certain level of maturity. Then when I got to college, I was so disappointed to discover that they were the same boys from high school. In fact, a lot of people get stuck in the Knight stage (for life) which is why I blog so much about high school. I once went to dinner with a female friend, that I had just recently met, and was annoyed because she spent the entire dinner attempting to convince me to not be friends with another women with whom she had a conflict. I wondered if I would meet people who had evolved past the Page/Knight stage. As a healer, I became determined to examine these stages within myself so that as I healed, I could help others to move forward. Knights are not bad people (everyone must pass through this stage), but they can be very selfish/self-centered (in an unhealthy way) and have irrational fears or experienced some form of trauma that they run from by engaging in distractions instead of self-care. They can also be really good people who do great work to make the world a better place, but they make sacrifices that cost them their health, relationships and affects their ability to make sound long term decisions (financial, health, etc.).
The Knight is on shaky ground because they use things (money, status, physique, etc.) to affirm their importance instead of connecting with their inner power, which they are afraid does not exist (a problem that would have been solved with a rite of passage ceremony during the Page stage). Like the Page, the Knight lacks the skills to heal, but they deceive themselves into believing that hiding from or ignoring a problem will make it disappear.
Some examples of the Knight archetype include:
☥ The playboy/playgirl/playmate who runs in and out of your life. They are terrified of
intimacy (because in their past they weren't taught how to set ☥ enforce healthy
boundaries, causing them to be vulnerable with/hurt by manipulative people, etc.),
and avoid it at all costs by becoming a control freak to manipulate/ditch the
relationship (to avoid falling in love) or hurt others before they can get hurt. They
cover up their fear through:
☥ Overcompensation (flashy cars, clothes, jewelry, sexual prowess, etc.)
☥ The oppression of others (i.e. power games, racism, manipulation, etc.) which
may solely be an expression of their fear (with or without the playboy/girl/mate
tendencies)
☥ Aggressive/competitive/obnoxious behavior; bragging about/flashing what they
have
☥ The overachiever/workaholic who is also terrified of intimacy/facing/healing
childhood traumas so they stay "busy" and/or overcompensate (similarly to the
playboy/girl/mate) to distract themselves from pain
☥ The over-giving ☥ over-committed zealot. These people don't realize that their
unresolved trauma is what drives them to give to the point of depletion. They are in
pain ☥ witnessed tremendous suffering, so they create ☥ join movements to
dismantle injustice - a worthy cause that requires participation from all of us.
However, they haven't healed their own trauma because they erroneously believe
that the social justice work is the healing, or they think that it's selfish to engage in
self-care because others have suffered more than them. These beliefs are an
important overlooked root cause of the failure of just about every social justice
movement. It is one of the reasons why we keep revisiting the same issues
generation after generation. Here's a snapshot of a few incidents that reflect
weaknesses that can (and have) threatened or destroyed the sustainability of social
justice movements:
☥ Several Black Lives Matter activists have committed suicide
☥ The Black Panther Party For Self-Defense was systematically destroyed, and
prominent members such as Fred Hampton were murdered by our own
government. The Black FBI informant responsible for intel on Hampton was
manipulated and he eventually committed suicide. Others were imprisoned or
live in exile such as Pete O'Neal (former head of the Kansas City, KS chapter).
He has not seen his mother in decades, the price he pays for carrying a gun
across state lines (he committed no crime). The NRA fights for gun rights for
white people, but not for social justice for Black ☥ Indigenous ☥ Immigrant
People.
Social justice leaders can initiate leadership as Knights, but for sustainability and to prevent internal/external sabotage, they must become Emperors ☥ Empresses ☥ Sovereigns. Other over-giving archetypes include the overweight/out of shape/ego-driven church pastor, community leader, volunteer, radical parent, etc. Radical parents can also be Pages or had parents who were Pages.
We are not meant to linger in the Knight stage (it is supposed to be the shortest stage of development). People who remain Knights for too long can turn into sexual narcissists, become addicted to pornography, develop secretive sexual deviancies/perversions or other addictions (food, drugs, gambling, etc.).
I understood Michael Jordan to say, during an interview with Ryan Coogler, that once you achieve a certain level of status, it is difficult to find people who will give you good critical feedback. I was hoping to get to the microphone to ask him to consider the flipside of that statement, because this is an issue that causes a lot of problems for celebrities. A celebrity who is a Knight will often surround themselves with people who tell them what they want to hear, and they believe that they are getting good advice. As an example, if I were Michael Jackson's doctor, I would have never approved a 50 city tour. In fact, I would have required that he took a self-care sabbatical so that I could do some deep healing work, which would have taken a few years, but he'd be here to complain about it. The question is, would he have listened to me or fired me and searched for/offered a price high enough to convince a health practitioner to agree with his grueling work schedule? Celebrities need to reckon with what they perceive to be a conflict between self-care and doing what they think needs to be done to advance their careers during the Knight stage. These issues are certainly not limited to celebrities, but we can learn so much from them because they live their lives in the public eye.
I'll give an example of how this mentality can play out. When I first started my business, I met a woman who was a millionaire. As a condition for working with me, she said that she had to lose 100lbs in 90 days. I believe that this request was a test from Spirit to see if money (which I sorely needed) would seduce me away from my core values. I told her that there were plenty of people who could do that for her, but I was not one of them. Luther Vandross, a singer whom I love and miss dearly, is a person who would have made a similar request, and I believe it is one of the reasons why he died prematurely. I told her that I would be happy to work with her when she was ready to lose weight for good and do it the healthy way. I didn't expect to hear from her, but we did end up working together.
I'm diving deeper into the Knight because there are so many ways that people can get stuck in this stage.
The confusion is partially caused by our social conditioning around perceptions of wealth and success. Knights are often on the fast track to success or are at the top of their game. They believe that their workaholism/grit/perseverance/success has earned them the right to graduate to the next stage. They often claim the identity of an advanced stage of development without doing the personal growth work. Their lavish lifestyle and chosen "posse" reinforces their perceived status which distracts them from doing the healing ☥ self-correction work. As an example, wealthy people ☥ celebrities can create an environment that gives them the impression that they are progressing (because they are achieving a higher status of wealth/becoming more famous) when they are actually digressing (which they don't realize until they've sabotaged their career with a bad decision/succumb to illness/death). Though this is a growth opportunity, their pride could keep them from seeing the truth, self-correcting and properly pruning their posse (which needs to be an ongoing process throughout their career).
We can't buy our way out of Knighthood.
Wealthy Knights need to learn how to enjoy and use luxury as a tool for success/personal development and not as a distraction from doing the work of Spiritual growth (most Knights struggle with this issue). There is nothing wrong with wealth. I LOVE luxury. However, as healing is the foundation of my work, my boundaries are clear. I have been tested many times, and I've watched other people start before me, cut corners, cause harm and achieve financial success much faster than me. I understand why a few thousand people read my blogs instead of a few million. I wrestle with how to reach my audience quickly ☥ with the highest level of integrity. It is not easy to walk this path, but I answer to Spirit and trust the process. A King/Queen/Monarch (KQM) is unwilling to sacrifice their identity, health or core values, and they will not manipulate or harm others to achieve success. The KQM plays the long game, which can sometimes look like they are not progressing. When we plant a seed in the ground, it requires sunlight, nourishment and time to grow. I've regretfully watched too many talented celebrities rise fast and fall hard, or achieve decades of success and then succumb to a scandal, illness or suicide. Black ☥ Indigenous ☥ Immigrant celebrities ☥ wealthy people must be Emperors ☥ Empresses ☥ Sovereigns (EES) for sustainability and to influence perceptions, social norms, etc. in a healthy way. A Knight succumbs to the temptation of instant gratification, believes that the end justifies the means and will swim with the sharks to advance their careers. A KQM/EES uses their wisdom and connection to the truest part of themselves to transcend the sharks, earning a higher level of sustainable success as well as the respect of the sharks.
Here's what the Knight must do to graduate to the stage of the King/Queen/Monarch:
☥ Face fears and revisit childhood traumas with their current level of consciousness.
Begin the process of healing by spending time in silence/meditation/contemplation.
Journal thoughts and seek support through the cultivation of their mental health self-
care toolkit. Study the How To Outsmart Our Monkey Mind and Rising With The Sun
blogs (practice the exercises, watch the interviews, etc.). This is especially important
for women ☥ gender non-conforming people because it helps us get clear on what we
truly need so that we don't attempt to fulfill that need with a child or relationship
(causing us to place unrealistic expectations on a mate). Men can begin by
understanding the difference between taking action and restless activities.
It's perfectly normal to feel terrified as we face our fears. We cultivate courage by doing the thing that scares us even though we feel afraid. The difference between a Knight and a KQM/EES is that a KQM/EES does what needs to be done. Fear is felt and pushed through ☥ aside but is NOT an obstacle. A Knight will use distractions to avoid facing fears and taking action.
☥ Become aware of ☥ heal emotional addictions. I've included enough content with this
and the recommended blogs to keep you focused on self-care for years. "What The
Bleep Do We Know" explores emotional addictions and their root causes. Resist
the temptation to rush through the process. In this case, fast is slow and slow is fast.
Pick one aspect of your life that you want to heal at a time. The results will be
exponentially successful, facilitating the confidence to tackle the next issue.
☥ Accept responsibility for actions and apologize swiftly ☥ sincerely. It is often difficult for
a Knight to be humble because they can be hyper driven by their ego (to the point that
it blinds judgment and decisions). Recognize when it is time for a course correction
and take time to nurture the self through the path to the higher choice.
How Knights Subconsciously Break Cover
The coolest thing about the Spiritual path for me is that habits that no longer serve my highest good, just fall away. There are so many activities that I no longer participate in that I don't miss at all, but when I'm around other people who can't seem to live without the thing that I no longer do, it becomes impossible for them to believe that I'm not depriving myself. I stopped drinking alcohol because it made me feel sleepy or like I was carrying a weight around. Because this happened right around the time that I was studying holistic health, people around me thought that I was somehow suffering because I "couldn't" have a drink. I dreaded going to mandatory cocktail hours at work, so I would make friends with the bartender and have them put my water in a fancy glass to avoid the "Why aren't you drinking?" conversation. At first, I couldn't understand why people would get so upset that I wasn't drinking. I didn't even pay attention to what people were drinking. Why does anyone care?!?! Then, I realized that Knights don't like for their cover to be broken, so they want to make sure that everyone is drinking. When Knights say one thing, they often mean something else, so they may distract us by bragging about something they have to keep the conversation on the surface. Let's go beneath the surface of an archetypal Knight by unpacking a few lyrics of a song that could easily serve as the Knight's anthem: Imma Be.
☥ Imma be making all them deals you wanna do - Knights love when you are jealous of
them. They will not hesitate to call you out directly to get a jolt of satisfaction from
your reaction. The confident/business savvy people who land big deals are usually
quiet about it until after they've scored the deal. Even then, they tend to share no
more than what is absolutely necessary.
☥ Imma be shaking my hips, You goin' be licking your lips - Knights fear intimacy, so
they may run with sexual manipulation in order to get sexual partners. They attempt
to distract you to turn you on sexually as quickly as possible so that you will not
notice/be turned off by their shallow behavior and whatever they perceive to be
shortcomings/flaws.
☥ Imma be taking them pics, Lookin' all fly and shit, Imma be the fliest chick - Knights
tend to be insecure, so they might attempt to hide it by flashing designer
clothes/shoes, excessive makeup/perfume/cologne, etc. and they call it out to
reassure themselves that they stand out from the crowd. If they were sure of
themselves, they wouldn't have to brag about being fly - in fact, a truly confident
person is comfortable around confident/beautiful people and has no need to prove
themselves.
☥ Imma be a brother, but my name ain't Lehman, Imma be ya bank, I'll be loaning out
semen - Knights typically don't know their worth, and often validate themselves by
how many people will have sex with/be around them. Because they are afraid of
intimacy, they learn about sex through pornography and equate being "good in bed"
with their ability to mimic choreographed sexual movements, which causes
unnecessary anxiety. They could eliminate the "performance anxiety" by allowing
themselves to connect with how they truly feel and expressing that feeling through
their body, which anyone could do exceptionally well to make each sexual experience
increasingly fulfilling (including through masturbation and conscious breathwork).
Semen contains much more than life force vitality. If they truly connected with their
semen on a Spiritual level, they wouldn't loan it out to anyone (because the quality of
the person that they have sex with lowers or raises their level of consciousness and
depletes or nourishes their ojas {power ☥ life force} with every ejaculation). This is why
men tend to look older than women. I've personally worked with male clients who are
as much as 20 years younger than me, but look older than me because of their
depleted ojas (my sexual health video course will unpack ☥ expand upon the ojas
content from our Quick Start Guide - order the guide for an introduction ☥ stay tuned
for the video course). The Knight's connection to their semen could cultivate intimacy
☥ orgasm ☥ ecstasy, which is like flying to a destination on a luxurious private jet.
Because they are afraid of intimacy, all they know is the surface orgasm (most likely
learned during the Page stage through pornography/being targeted by sexual
narcissists) which, in comparison, is like hopping on one foot to a destination. The
sexual narcissists of the world have successfully managed to perpetuate sexual
anxiety, lower the quality of the sexual experience for most people and facilitate the
depletion of ojas by reducing sex to a performance.
☥ Honeys in debt, they be bouncing them checks, but I don't really mind when they
bouncing them cheeks - Even when Knights achieve success, they still tend to pursue
people who have less money/education because it gives them great satisfaction to
surround themselves with people who are impressed with their material
possessions/their presentation of status. If they were truly confident, they would seek
mates who are their equal or are on a path of growth and evolution so they can be
inspired to expand their horizons ☥ level up, which is highly exciting to a person who
knows ☥ is comfortable with themselves. Also this lyric alludes to the Knights who are
sexual narcissists and can't get high quality sexual partners so they use money to get
sex either through seducing money-hungry/insecure mates, tempting people who are
already married or through straight out prostitution (these Knights may travel often to
places like Thailand or the Dominican Republic for prostitutes).
☥ Oh let's make this last forever, Partying, we'll chill together - Knights thrive on feeling
good, but at some point, jumping from sensation to sensation gets old. Fearing
that they are losing their swagger, they seek more thrills to distract them from their
intuitive prompts to grow. Whatever trauma they've experienced keeps them from
believing that growth will lead them to a more fulfilling reality, so they hold on to the
devil they know. These Knights could develop life threatening addictions because they
continue to choose stronger distractions to suppress the nudge to grow coming from
their innate wisdom (another unknown sensation that they didn't learn to understand
and process as a Page).
In the title of this blog ☥ within the caption of the second picture of this post I asked, "Is he a Knight, King or Emperor?" Without knowing this man personally (or his gender preference), we can intuit from his eyes and facial expression that he is most likely a Knight.
Invest in the human soul. Who knows, it might be a diamond in the rough. ☥ ☥ Mary McLeod Bethune ☥
☥ 26 ~ 50 years old = The King ☥ Queen ☥ Monarch (KQM). There are numerous paths
to becoming a KQM. Some people seem to be born with this quality, but everyone
must grow through to it. Often times, people inadvertently find themselves on this
path, having endured a process that was painful. They didn't realize that they would
become a KQM as a result of going through the fire, learning life lessons and enduring
the hardships. Perhaps they grew tired of playing games (and fell in love/discovered
true intimacy), contracted a serious illness/needed major surgery, had an accident,
sabotaged a relationship or fallen into a deep depression. The process of going
through the fire refined and improved their thoughts and behaviors. They discovered
that they became better people as a result of healing trauma. They know there is more
healing to do, and they are no longer afraid of doing the work because they see its
value ☥ benefits. They have dropped the need to impress/outshine, judge or compare
themselves to others.
They keep their ego in check, seek out ways to improve themselves and endeavor to mentor Pages and Knights by giving from their excess instead of their essence.
When I was in my 30's, I worked with a 50-year-old woman who acted like a Page. The ages are a guide to help us think through a healthy progression of the stages. I have a wonderful story to share about a 21-year-old King.
An Indigenous friend of mine, who is also a professional Aztec dancer, told me to round up my wannabe salsa dancing girlfriends and meet her at our favorite dance spot. She said that she was bringing someone, who was a really good dancer, so that we could practice. She of course picked the night that my favorite local New Mexico band, Son Como Son, was playing for added incentive. She showed up with what looked like a 16-year-old boy, but she promised that he was 21 and ready to teach. I was skeptical, but when he took her out on the dance floor, I quickly became intimidated and actually started to avoid eye contact with him.
However, there was no avoiding him because he was on a mission to teach us all. As he approached me, I started giving all kinds of excuses for why I couldn't possibly hang with him on the dance floor, to which he kept repeating "It's Ok, come." Somehow, amidst my protesting, I found myself in the middle of the dance floor with no escape. As the music started, he watched me carefully for about a minute and then reached out and grabbed my hands. Before I could protest, I felt tension in his hands that let me know exactly which way he wanted me to move. I began to relax and follow him. In about two minutes, he had converted me into a dynamic salsa Queen! I could hardly believe how well I was dancing. I euphorically disappeared into the music, more relaxed than I ever remember being. When the dance was over, I was ecstatic and as I thanked him, he paused me and said "You made me look good out there" which was exactly what I was going to say to him. As I later reflected on that night, I realized why he was a true King:
☥ He built upon my current skill level by paying attention to and dancing with me instead
of being in his ego and attempting to impress me with his advanced dancing skills.
☥ He cultivated trust by giving me clear, consistent instructions that I could understand
and easily follow. Then, he gradually increased the level of difficulty, focusing on
improving our dance together, instead of outshining me.
☥ He knew that his skills were far better than mine, but he focused on increasing my
proficiency ☥ confidence and helping me to see how quickly I could adapt ☥ improve.
☥ Instead of pulling rank and making me feel like a student, he submitted to the joy of
the dance and made me feel like I was the only person on the dance floor.
I realized that the guys who took me out on the dance floor were Knights because they would dance for me instead of dancing with me which was so incredibly annoying and made me feel as if I couldn't dance at all, because I couldn't follow their complicated movements. One of the reasons why I didn't want men to take my hands is that they would spin me erratically which made me feel like I would lose my balance (and contributed to the fallacy that I couldn't salsa). I had seen other women fall on the dance floor. As it turns out, with the right man, I could be an exceptional dancer. I wished that those guys had the maturity of the 21-year-old King. My friends and I were fighting over who got to dance with him the entire night.
A true KQM delights in bringing out the best in others, knowing that it will also bring out the best from within them.
Let's digress here to talk a little bit about intimacy. I invite you to check out the video above to see how two people can connect with each other in a dance. I have reluctantly counseled hundreds of couples as a health practitioner. I ended up having to seek training in marriage counseling because it is so hard for Black ☥ Indigenous ☥ Immigrant couples to find a culturally competent practitioner that they can trust. I often ended up being the catch all practitioner for many couples, because they refused to go to anyone else, and I wanted to make sure that they received support. Let's devote some time to understanding some characteristics of intimacy based on some common themes that surfaced during my work with them.
Keep in mind that each person cultivates intimacy differently, so open ☥ safe ☥ honest communication is absolutely essential. This general guide is designed to nudge you along.
Ask yourself, "Have I actually taken the time to get to know this person?" People who have been married for decades have not done this work. They make assumptions about each other without verification. As an example, drop the habit of saying "you probably" to someone. "You probably" means "I don't want to get to know you. I want to impress you with what I am inferring based on objective observation and my past experiences." We cannot co-create intimacy based on objective observation.
What we do for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will do after marriage. ☥ ☥ Gary Chapman ☥
I also came to understand that men make decisions about what they think women want instead of connecting directly with a woman so that they can know what she wants. I can't speak for all women/people, but I definitely do not want for a man to impress me with what he thinks I will like (because in most cases he is dead wrong). I want a man to directly ask me, and I will tell him so that he doesn't have to wonder. The direct connection is the turn on. Because these issues have come up so many times in client consultations, I will share some characteristics of intimacy here, and I encourage people to directly ask their mate for clarity in their own personal situations (and be patient as some people need time to get clear about what they want). If your mate is not interested in clarity or connection, they are most likely a narcissist/sexual narcissist or are in deep denial/running from unresolved trauma. Be intentional about investigating the root causes of a lack of clarity in your relationship.
When I first became a health practitioner, I suffered from an affliction that seems to disproportionately affect my male clients: failure to launch. I needed a YouTube Channel, but because I studied TV production in college, I was embarrassed to put my name on anything that I could create with my crappy camera and ancient editing software. Like my male clients, I was in limbo land and couldn’t bring myself to take action. However, my clients were struggling to self-correct, and I became almost desperate to destroy any excuse that they had for neglecting self-care. So, I dropped my pride and obliterated my ego to start my YouTube Channel. I only wanted to share the channel with my clients. Then one day I was at an event and a woman came up to me to thank me for the videos I posted. When I apologized for the quality, she said that the videos seemed more real to her. Who knew?! Destroying my ego was so liberating, and I’ve learned so much by doing. Last year I started a new YouTube Channel and to date, I have produced over 100 videos. It doesn’t even bother me if I don’t immediately get a lot of views/likes because the process is teaching me how to improve, and I can track my organic growth ☥ reach over time. My first 100 videos are helping me to figure out how to do the next 100. What I learn will put me on the path to mastery. Acting:
☥ Helps me to refine my process
☥ Highlights areas that need correction
☥ Gives me feedback on what people want
I’m sharing this because I’ve worked with several organizations that were created by and for men, and constantly found myself pushing them to launch. Many of them would not act because they thought they were not ready, had to wait until they figured it all out or that they had to fix something within themselves before they could act. These men would often be derailed when their spouse asks for a divorce because they thought everything was fine. They blew off little issues that they didn’t realize were deal breakers because they were hiding behind the “If I ignore the problem, it will go away” fallacy. Regardless of the specific hang up that surfaced, one core root cause emerged as the universal saboteur: they were trying to control the outcome. They wanted to make sure that they had everything figured out before acting. Generally, women don’t want men to figure it all out. We want men to co-create with us (remember my 21-year-old King dancing story?), and they don’t need to have ANY of the answers. Most women will think it’s fun to figure it out together and the process opens the door to a deeper level of intimacy. When men figure it all out and then come to us, they exclude us which makes us feel unloved/irrelevant. Figuring it all out means that you want to have a relationship with yourself, not another person, and the best outcome is usually something that arises out of a brainstorm between both of you in collaboration with your higher power. When we connect with Spirit, we get an answer that is so much better than anything we could have thought of on our own.
If you read my emotions blog, you’ve come to realize that there is always at least one unknown variable in most situations. I would have to work hard to help these men figure out that what they really needed to do was overcome fears connected to their self-worth and learn how to communicate effectively with their mate. They would often find that their hesitation caused them more trouble. I’m way more attracted to a man who involves me in the process of what he is thinking. I don’t have to be right or in control, but I need to be a part of the process. I feel compelled to share this because the control issue can completely blindsight a person and ruin their relationship. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, please know that your self-worth is not connected to whether you have something figured out. Life is much more exciting when we live in the mystery because we can co-create a reality that is not limited to what we can imagine.
Respect begins with this attitude: 'I acknowledge that you are a [person] of extreme worth. God has endowed you with certain abilities and emotions. Therefore I respect you as a person. I will not desecrate your worth by making critical remarks about your intellect, your judgment or your logic. I will seek to understand you and grant you the freedom to think differently from the way I think and to experience emotions that I may not experience.' Respect means that you give the other person the freedom to be an individual. ☥ ☥ Gary Chapman ☥
Drop past sexual experiences. Approach each experience as if it were your first and be present in the experience. This is especially important for people who are recovering from a pornography addiction. Pornography is rehearsed/choregraphed sex created by/for sexual narcissists. They are actors playing a part, and the executive producer is most likely a man who has also learned sex from pornography/is acting out a fantasy that has nothing to do with satisfying a woman. This is the most important root cause of faking orgasms that no one discusses. It is extremely difficult for me to get couples to talk about this with each other, so I'm sharing it here with the hopes that we can create safety in honest communication. I would rather be with a man who was a virgin so that we could co-create intimacy together than to be with a man who humps me to death like a porn star, because it is intimacy and connection that makes a person good in bed, not physical technique. Sex is not a technique. The majority of the sexual experience actually happens in the mind. When both people are present in the experience, and their connection to each other drives their physical bodies, technique becomes irrelevant and fake orgasms become extinct.
Love doesn't erase the past, but it makes the future different. ☥ ☥ Gary Chapman ☥
A complicated soup of societal dynamics, power differentials and narcissism can also help to explain why we often do not speak honestly in many situations. I'll share a scenario based on some real cases. Imagine the scene of a Black ☥ Indigenous ☥ Immigrant woman with a Black ☥ Indigenous ☥ Immigrant man that she really loves. She finds his porn habit annoying, but he is such a great guy in every other way AND he wants to be with her instead of a white woman (finally!!!). Sex is hit or miss for her because so much of his ego is attached to all of that huffing, puffing and humping. She tries hard to enjoy sex the way women seem to in a porn flick -- and often fears that she may have a sexual dysfunction because she can often feel an orgasm coming, but it only arrives on occasion. Is the problem with him or her? Both? It's too hard to face, so she does what I beg my clients NOT to do:
☥ She lies to herself and to him, by faking it believing that it will work itself out over time.
☥ She tells herself that it's so hard to find a good man, this is just one issue - be happy
that she has a man at all.
☥ She ignores the issue thinking that it will go away because she loves him.
Fortunately, holistic health helps us to understand what goes on in a woman's body physiologically during sex. Women don't actually take much longer than men to achieve an orgasm. They often use a vibrator/dildo to achieve an orgasm as quickly as a man (holistic health discourages the use of vibrators for a variety of reasons). With proper communication, men and women can achieve synchronicity. Imagine that you see a train coming towards you from a distance. The train is moving at a steady clip, but when it gets halfway to you the track suddenly switches and, like hitting the reset button on the computer, the train is back where it started. This is what it is like for many women to attempt to achieve an orgasm.
Again, each person is different, but as a general rule, whatever the man/partner does to put her on the track to orgasm, he/they must continue to do until the train comes into the station. If they do something different, the train gets moved all the way back to where it started which increases the time it will take for a woman to achieve an orgasm.
This is not a bad thing, per se, because once or twice could potentially increase the intensity of an orgasm. However, there is a tipping point where too many sexual positions will render an orgasm impossible to achieve, or worse, cause genital irritation (which can derail sex for a week or more while the soreness heals). It is at this point that a man generally begins to increase the intensity of what he is doing which puts a woman into an uncomfortable predicament - ask him to stop or fake it so that he'll naturally stop before the irritation develops. As time progresses, she may become increasingly frustrated, but not know how to have this uncomfortable conversation - especially if she is disconnected from her body or doesn't understand why her body is responding in this way. Because she loves him, she becomes a sort of sexual martyr and will begin to make up excuses such as "I have a headache," etc.). However true love doesn't lie. These sexual challenges wouldn't exist if during the Page stage, males and females were properly taught how to embrace the process of healing instead of fearing/avoiding the problem. A few solutions that have helped struggling couples include the following (these issues seem to be less prevalent with gender non-conforming people because the process of "coming out" caused them to be more honest with/connected to themselves):
☥ Breathing and meditation exercises to cultivate presence and sexual maturity
☥ Practice the art of honest communication. Yes it may be uncomfortable. It helps to breathe ☥ pause before speaking and choose a time when you are not frustrated so that you will speak your truth with love ☥ tenderness. Conflict can be a bridge that connects you to a deeper level of intimacy with your mate (or end a toxic relationship).
☥ Be the parent that you wish you had to your inner child. So many of our fears are
coming from the voice of our inner child. Our unforgiveness of our parents (who may
have been Pages/Knights wrapped up in their own unresolved trauma) or
suppressed/repressed painful experiences do not disappear with time. Alcoholism is
an example of how our inner child copes with trauma, but children do not know how to
heal. Our work as an adult includes learning how to heal so that our inner child
expresses itself through us as creativity, conscious spontaneity and pure innovation
(instead of recklessness, impulsiveness and immaturity).
But if you take a close look at how our parents treated us, whatever abuse they gave us was often mild compared to the way we abuse ourselves today. It's true that your mother might have said repeatedly, 'You'll never be able to do that, dear.' But now you say to yourself, 'You're a jerk. You never do it right. You blew it. I hate you.' They might have been mean, but we're vicious. ☥ ☥ Marianne Williamson ☥
A man shared that his wife spends thousands of dollars each year on lingerie that is not sexy to him at all. All he wants is for her to wear one of his shirts, but he's afraid to tell her because they've been married for five years, and he has "pretended" to get turned on by her fancy negligées. He had no problem sharing his frustration with me, but I couldn't convince him to have an uncomfortable conversation with his wife. We finally landed on a potential solution that was just barely honest enough for me to offer my blessing. The next time she wears one of his shirts, he would tell her how sexy she looks and be sure to back it up with galactical lovemaking. Then he will find a way to tell her of his preference. Lack of honest communication is a major problem in relationships. I have found that women/the feminine tend to have a harsher tone when they feel frustrated. This is because they tend to let frustration build which causes them to explode. Because men truly struggle with emotions, they tend to walk on eggshells to prevent this explosion. Again, this is not necessarily gender specific, per se, but wherever you fall on the spectrum, we must co-create a healthy ☥ safe ecosystem in which we communicate with each other with honesty ☥ sincerity ☥ mutual respect.
People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need. ☥ ☥ Gary Chapman ☥
I was working with a LGBTQIA couple who had lost the intimacy in their relationship. It was obvious that they truly loved each other, but they needed to correct a fallacy that they held about love. Like a beautiful garden, our relationship requires maintenance. Love is a verb. When we see a weed pop up in our garden, and we are busy with other tasks, it's easy to say that we'll get to it tomorrow because we don't feel like making the effort. When we put off pulling "weeds" in our relationship, we slowly siphon away its energy. If we allow the weeds to take over our garden, we tend to feel overwhelmed and shut down.
This can make us forget about the power of love to reinvigorate the energy that brought us together.
I offered some ideas to bring them back to themselves and the relationship. I suggested that they co-create a new set of rituals that includes their version of the following:
☥ When they come home from work, there is to be no talking about work or family issues
for the first hour.
☥ No bum-rushing each other as soon as they walk in the door. Instead, give each other
time to put their stuff down, get settled and comfortable at home.
☥ When they are ready to greet each other, do so in silence. Spend at least one minute
looking into each other eyes in silence, while breathing slowly and deeply, before
speaking.
☥ The first 10 minutes of speaking is to be about each other (checking in to see how they
are feeling, if they need support in any way, etc.).
☥ Devote some time each day to talk about their aspirations, things that excite them,
creative endeavors, fun things they can do together, etc.
☥ Keep people out of their relationship. If they have an issue that bothers them, they are
to bring it first to Spirit and then directly to each other and not an outside party. This
couple happened to be two she/her pronoun females, both of whom talked about their
relationship problems or shared personal information about their partner's unwanted
characteristics/actions with their friends. Though not necessarily gender specific,
females (LGBTQIA/heterosexual) tend to be too willing to share too much information
about their relationship/their mate's perceived flaws. This unhealthy behavior is
especially harmful when we choose to vent by shaming/sharing our mate's perceived
flaws in public. I worked with these clients on setting and enforcing healthy boundaries
and practicing emotional discipline. I noticed that he/his/they pronoun and
heterosexual males tend to tell me what they need to share with their mate or will
share with a friend based on comfort instead of trust (often receiving advice that is
tantamount to going to a convenience store for sushi). My research and life experience
has revealed that we too often underestimate the power of jealousy to influence our
friends/family.
People want a deep connection in their relationship without doing the uncomfortable work of cultivating true intimacy which is like holding a plug in your hand while looking at the outlet and wondering why your device isn't working.
'Real love' - This kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth. ☥ ☥ Gary Chapman ☥
You’re always one decision away from a totally different life. ☥ ☥ Anonymous ☥
☥ Over 50 years old = The Emperor ☥ Empress ☥ Sovereign (EES). The EES have
gained so much insight from healing that they've transcended their ego and are
vigilantly focused on being of service in order to make the world a better place. They
will support people (financially, through mentorship, etc.) who demonstrate integrity ☥
determination to help solve ☥ heal the social problems of the world. They are sought
after for their wisdom ☥ expertise, which they share abundantly and work diligently to
help others to fulfill their highest potential, such as mentoring Pages, Knights and
KQMs. Characteristics of the EES include:
☥ Their inner wisdom drives their outer actions.
☥ They know the value of and prioritize self-care so that when they give to others it is
from a place of fullness and completion. Though they are highly sought after, they
have healthy boundaries and will not say "yes" to every request.
☥ The art of self-correction is a lifestyle for them. They continually assess and
reassess to seek the best solution for a given situation as they move forward with
their plans. They will not hesitate to reorganize an agenda on-the-spot to better
serve the needs of their participants.
☥ They would rather tell you a hard truth that you need to hear than stay silent (even if
it causes you to be mad at them, feel hurt or disassociate with them), especially
when they can see that you are sabotaging yourself or headed for disaster.
☥ Instead of solving problems for you, they ask you questions that help to guide your
process and elevate your thinking. They have confidence in your abilities and help
you to recognize your strengths, speak your truth and stand in your power.
☥ They are focused on the greater good, so they are not interested in being the
smartest, best looking, most popular, etc. person in the room.
☥ They have the courage to stand up when everyone else is sitting down and to speak
up even when the environment is uncomfortable or hostile. During these situations,
they maintain their composure and act/speak with integrity, grace, authority and
respect.
☥ They don't have to do or say anything to command respect.
☥ They have a deep desire to see you do better and be better.
The EES' are intentional with the use of their platform. I truly struggled with my dark skin as a young child, but there was one beautiful voice that consistently reached out to me from the "In The Spirit" column of Essence Magazine. At the time, it's Editor In Chief was ☥ Susan Taylor ☥ a striking woman with bold braids, during a time when braiding your hair wasn't tolerated in my school ☥ Susan's ☥ column consistently affirmed messages of self-love and self-care. She used her platform to assert the beauty of my skin when the dominant culture taunted, teased and mocked me. Her voice of love helped to put me on the path to overcoming self-hatred. I don't know how I would have survived my childhood without the healing words of ☥ Susan Taylor ☥ I would have never imagined that I would meet her and that she would be an active mentor in my life. Through the National CARES Mentoring Movement, she continues to use her platform to transform the lives of Black children.
I first met ☥ Ambassador Shabazz ☥ during my years of working with a non-profit organization focused on improving the life outcomes of Black men and boys ☥ Ambassador ☥ continues to be a shining light in my life and an ever-giving mentor who is ultra-focused on preserving our culture, restoring dignity to our ancestors and helping our youth to fulfill their potential as global citizens. I've noticed that she levels up whatever ideas I have that I bounce her way. Both women are living examples of the Empress. I have no idea how to thank them for their constant mentorship of me, but I am beyond grateful to have them in my life. All I can do is strive to cultivate my inner Empress so that I can offer the same love ☥ support through my life's work.
In summary, honestly observing our thoughts and behaviors can help us think through the stages of development:
☥ The Page – What is going on? Why do I feel this way? What is happening to me? This
hurts! How do I make it stop hurting (How do I heal?)? Why won’t somebody help me?
☥ The Knight – This hurts! How do I make it stop hurting? I hope no one can see how bad
I’m hurting. At this age, I should know better, but I’m ashamed that I don’t. I’ve been
burned too many times, so I’m keeping my mouth shut, and I’m not letting anyone get
close to me (fear of intimacy/don’t know how to cultivate trust). If I work hard enough,
flash enough stuff, look impressive enough, perhaps no one will notice. I’m scared. No
one else seems to be hurting. I hope it’s not just me. I hope I’m not going crazy. I’ll just
do what everyone else is doing. Let me distract myself with ________. If I keep
running, I’ll eventually outrun it (I’m afraid to heal/grow). The only way I feel safe is to
stick with the devil I know.
The wound is the place where the light enters you. ☥ ☥ Rumi ☥
☥ The King ☥ Queen ☥ Monarch – I’m so glad that I didn’t give up on myself. I would have
healed a long, long time ago if someone would have helped me to understand how to
liberate myself from past burdens. We don’t have to suffer! I will find a way to help
others understand how good life can be. I must take better care of myself so that I
can live long enough to enjoy life. What a blessing to discover how good I feel when I
give from my excess and nourish my essence. I’ve got to find a way to help the
Knights and Pages understand that they don’t have to suffer anymore.
☥ The Emperor ☥ Empress ☥ Sovereign – Now that I understand why we hurt each other,
I must do my part to help us heal. Either directly or indirectly, what I do affects you
and vice versa. How can I help us to make better choices so that we can co-create a
better world? I can’t do this alone. I will spend the rest of my life in service to the world
and in mentorship to Pages, Knights and KQM’s to facilitate the continuous
development of Emperors ☥ Empresses ☥ Sovereigns.
Once we understand where we are, we can create a system of support to nurture us as we grow through each stage.
Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise [person] who built [their] house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish [person] who built [their] house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it. ☥ ☥ Matthew 7:24-27 ☥
A Wedding Story
Although America has high divorce rates, both the marriage and the dissolution of marriage rates have declined slightly over the past decade. As a society, we are grappling with what it takes to make a healthy marriage work. There are a slew of relationship books on the market which points to our interest in finding that silver bullet that will guarantee our "happily ever after." I told myself that I would not go to another wedding right at the time that one of my Ayurvedic teachers was getting married. Damn. She's the one person that I wouldn't say no to. So, I reluctantly agreed to attend. Her wedding was in the wine country, an incredibly beautiful drive through the redwoods of Northern California. I whined to myself in the car all the way there: "I can't believe I'm going to this wedding. I hate weddings! If she weren't my teacher, I wouldn't waste my time ..."
The wedding was at a beautiful farmhouse at the top of a mountain. The beauty of it made me work hard to stay in my sullen mood. The food was delicious. There was a selection of herbal waters, a smudge station with a huge owl feather and musicians playing Indian music. My mood changed as soon as I saw my teacher and began to participate in the activities. There are no words to describe this wedding. I have never seen anything like it before or since. I must share two pivotal moments. The minister conducted a powerful ritual. He placed a lei (made of marigolds) around the neck of the bride and groom to connect them and then he asked them to place their palms together. He poured dried lavender flowers in their palms and said:
Love is like these lavender flowers. You have to work together to hold on to it, or it will slip right through your fingers.
The visual was so powerful. Then, the bride asked for everyone to form a circle around them while they recite their vows. At some point in the process, love exploded from inside the bride and groom and reverberated out to everyone. It was overwhelming, and I started to cry. I felt like love was in me, all around me and pouring out of me at the same time. After the ceremony, I noticed that the groom had a slow trickle of tears running down his face for the rest of the evening. I had to avoid him to keep from bursting into tears over and over again. I needed those herbal waters to keep me hydrated through my joyful tears. The drive back through the redwoods was majestic, and my trust in love was restored.
A man CAN change and WILL change for a woman. But, he will only change for one woman. If he ain't changed, you ain't the ONE. ☥ ☥ Steve Harvey ☥
Does It Make Sense For A Knight To Get Married?
I once conducted a psych experiment that revealed a disturbing trend. Having grown up a child of divorce, I wanted to know what made a marriage work. Because I knew the least about males, I started surveying them first. I asked an array of men (different socioeconomic backgrounds, ages, ethnicities, etc.) why they chose their spouse. Here's a sample of responses:
☥ Well, all of my family lives in Jamaica, and I'm all alone here in D.C. I was lonely, and
she asked me to marry her.
☥ Well, when it was time for me to get married, I looked through my rolodex and asked
myself 'Who do I know that's fun to be around?'
☥ I needed someone to do the washing, cooking and cleaning.
☥ She's really struggling at home with her parents, and she has to move out.
These answers helped me to understand why so many marriages end in divorce. All of the men were educated and successful. The first two answers came from men who were about my age. The Jamaican man was not initially a part of my research study, but he complained so much about his wife that I had to ask him why he married her. The third answer was from a man who had been married for 50 years. The fourth answer was from a college buddy (they did the hard relationship work and are still married). I also gleaned insight from men who were in seemingly happy long-term marriages. When asked, What do you do to keep your marriage healthy? an Indigenous man said that he always gives 150% to the relationship because he found that it was more important to give than to take, and it fostered an energy of appreciation ☥ reciprocation with his wife. After attending my teacher's wedding, I had to interview her. Her wedding was the first time that I saw real tangible evidence that it was possible to manifest the vision that I held in my heart. Here's a brief summary of their story:
☥ They loved each other but they couldn't live together so they separated for a number
of years.
☥ They took some time to work on themselves and found that they still loved each other
even though years had passed without contact.
☥ They had some difficult conversations in which they were absolutely honest with ☥
respectful of each other about what they could/couldn't live with. These
conversations were painful but cathartic. Once they got through the first discussion,
they didn't stop until they felt complete. The process went on for a while, and as time
passed, they realized that something magical was happening in the midst of their
discomfort which gave them the courage to keep at it. This is a pristine example of
"building a house on the rock."
☥ They co-created a vision for their life based on mutual love ☥ respect ☥ honesty
and a way to move through conflict by connecting with Spirit to allow in the greater
experience instead of settling for a compromise. A compromise means no one gets
what they want. When we connect with Spirit, we get a higher solution that fulfills us ☥
serves our highest good.
☥ Though extremely challenging at times, their relationship work caused them to tap into
a love that was so profound, they wondered if they even knew what love was before
they started the process (I felt that love at their wedding, and it rocked my world).
This love is available to all of us, but we must grow into the KQM → EES.
Basically, they met and fell in love as Knights, but they couldn't co-create a relationship that was grounded in a strong foundation until they both graduated from Knighthood. My surveys and life experience indicate that it is not a good idea for a Knight to get married. Knights haven't faced or healed their past traumas, and they are still trying to figure out who they are and what makes them happy. However Knights do get married at exponentially high rates. Female Knights are often driven by their "biological clocks" ticking, an indication that they are willing to sacrifice compatibility in order to beat the clock and check an item off their list. The stress of this search often causes them to neglect self-care and compromises their fertility. They are also in danger of weaponizing children and using both the children and the relationship with the mate to fill a void that they feel inside. Male ☥ Gender Non-conforming Knights may get married because they know that they have a good person and are afraid of losing them or fear that they won't find a better mate in the future.
In these examples, the Knights are focused on the relationship as a distraction from doing the work of listening to their innate wisdom and accepting the responsibility of healing past traumas.
A KQM/EES will not marry a Knight. If for some reason, a savvy Knight manages to get a first date with a KQM/EES, they will not get a second date. KQM's and EES' can marry each other successfully because both are on the growth path. These marriages can be exciting because they are growing in a similar direction and feel fulfillment/discover more about themselves as they progress/witness their mate evolve on their growth path. It can inspire deeply satisfying conversations and foster a deep sense of intimacy that only gets better with time. Marriages with Knights/Pages typically end up in divorce because, at some point one person starts to grow, but the other wants to stay the same. Does it make sense for Knights to get married? If both Knights know that they are Knights, and are willing to grow together, they have a chance of surviving the transition out of Knighthood as a couple. However, there is a strong possibility that they will grow apart from each other in the process, because their relationship was not established on a healthy foundation. In this case, growing apart provides an opportunity for them to cultivate a successful long-term relationship/marriage in the future if they apply what they learned ☥ practice the art of self-correction. Five On The Black Hand Side presents an example of what can happen when one Knight's growth becomes the catalyst for the transformation of their Knight-spouse (who initially strongly resented and resisted growth).
In the movie, the transitioning Knight states 'All I want him to do is relax and let me love him' which indicates that she is aware of her spouse's unresolved trauma as the root cause for his controlling behavior (which he bragged about at work). Though she cannot control his actions, her specific list of demands prevents her spouse from continuing to run away from his responsibility ☥ sets him up for success if he decides to grow in the relationship.
This is the uncomfortable work that must be done with mutual love ☥ respect to prevent a divorce between Knights. That the transitioning Knight demonstrated her willingness to speak her truth just before her daughter's wedding indicates the importance of doing the work regardless of outside circumstances. In this case, choosing to resolve the conflict together improved their ability to communicate ☥ created a deeper level of intimacy, causing both Knights to graduate to the next stage of development and transform their marriage.
I was walking asleep, dreaming I was awake This world confused me and led me astray What could I be to please my mother? What could I do to bring peace to my father? I was spinning around, 'till I finally found That part of me that was always free ... ☥ ☥ Rickie Byars ☥ From The Song 'Genesis'
Once I became aware of and came to a deeper understanding of the stages, I could assess and drop judgment of myself ☥ others. Here's how self-awareness helped to catalyze my growth:
☥ I realized that if I wanted a King, I had to become a Queen which meant dropping
workaholism and perfectionism, going into the void to heal and accepting that being
my authentic self meant that I would no longer attract a large percentage of men. One
of the first actions that I took during my transition was to stop perming my hair and go
natural. My body had been begging me to stop putting chemicals in my hair, but I was
terrified to do it.
Being a Queen required that I run right into the scariest part of that fear and move forward, regardless of the consequences.
I immediately noticed a major difference in the way men looked at, approached and
responded to me. I also noticed how white people and Black ☥ Indigenous ☥ Immigrant
women shifted their behavior around me. I wouldn't let any of this stop me from
moving forward.
☥ I was transitioning out of the Knight stage. On the surface, my desire to become a
monk was about my disappointment in men, but beneath the surface was an inner
need to discover who I was and what I wanted based on connection with my true self
instead of societal ☥ familial expectations. The disappointment was the emotional
trigger to help me awaken. The desire to become a monk was a hint from Spirit to find
my answer by looking inside myself.
☥ I was looking for a relationship to do the work of providing the deep satisfaction that
actually comes from connecting to the truest part of myself. I had to revisit the
concept of ☯ and focus on co-creating a healthy relationship grounded in mutual love
☥ empowerment. I realized that entering into a relationship needs to be fluid ☥
effortless, so the strong/stressful desire for a relationship was a trigger for me to
become aware of emotional addictions/distractions from doing my self-care work.
If you're walking asleep, pulled by the weight of this world So turned around 'till it's hard to discern What is up and What is down Stand still and be your own salvation You are a child of God's creation You're the light of the world ... ☥ ☥ Rickie Byars ☥ From The Song 'Genesis'
☥ I didn't know what a healthy relationship looked like. I knew what I didn't want but I
couldn't articulate what I did want to myself, let alone a man. My desire for a
relationship with a man was fear-based in that I kept attempting to protect myself
from getting hurt by putting up walls instead of cultivating trust ☥ setting ☥ enforcing
healthy boundaries so that I could relax ☥ be myself ☥ open ☥ vulnerable at
appropriate times and with the right man. I suffered in relationships because I settled
for polished Knights, and I stopped believing in the existence of Kings ☥ Emperors.
☥ Instead of recognizing the tell-tale signs of unresolved trauma, I was interpreting the
behavior of men as a personal attack of my worth as a woman. This was a huge shock
☥ epiphany for me, because, on the surface, I didn't connect my self-worth to the
behavior of men. However, my strong response to their behavior was the trigger that
forced me to dig deeper and admit that something in my past caused me to
subconsciously make an unhealthy connection. This realization was important
because it prevented me from painting men with a broad stroke of negativity, and
taking their behavior personally. My worth was not based on their attraction to or
actions towards me.
